(Late) Thanksgiving

Just haven’t gotten around to posting this.

Happy belated Turkey day y’all and Happy Black Friday to the shoppers.

I’ve always wanted to do a lil “this is what I’m thankful for” post lol.

Growing up Thanksgiving was not a big holiday in my house. I remember a few times when we went to an uncle’s house to celebrate and they did it big inviting errybody. But after a while that died down and it was just the immediate fam at home. Actually most of my family be working on Thanksgiving. We all about that paper.

My mom, my dad, and myself were all usually working because we don’t mind the work and no one else wants to lol. So Thanksgiving was never a formal time for us to feast. We feast when we feel like it anyways. Chicken curry all day.

Yesterday was one of the rare occasions I was actually not working since..high school. So as usual my parents were working, moms all day, dad back in the evening. But again it’s just a regular day for us. So I was invited to go to thanksgiving at a friends house.

I’ve known this person since high school and we’ve become pretty close with over the years and I’m cool with her fam as well. Anyways, this was all new to me I’ve never been to a legit thanksgiving day dinner lol The past few years the closest I’ve come to a feast was the free meal + pie they give at the hospital.

Food was soo good, ate so much. We went around the table doing the whole what are you thankful for routine and I punked out and said “for the food and the company I keep”. I do that frequently, many of my responses are jokey or hallmark standard. I don’t usually fully express myself in public..which is why I started to blog yayy. So here’s what I’m actually thankful for:

1. My parents.
They’ve done so much for me and continue to do so much for me. I think I got very lucky having them as my parents even though I don’t say that to them very often I think it all the time. Part of the reason I’m so open or willing to hear them out and maybeee let them dictate my life a little bit more than I’d like is that feeling that if weren’t for them I wouldn’t be where I am today. I’m a softy.

2. My sister/aunt.
They my nggas. I separated them from the parents cuz they need their own props. My sister..she something else right now but that’s just her going through her teenage years naimsayin. I get that I can’t judge her too much for what she does now, but I try my best to steer her right. She can’t really grasp the seriousness of school and thangs, but I know I couldn’t either at her age, she getting there. Aunt is basically my 2nd mother. Idk what I’d do w/o her either, she’s done so much for me over the years and she basically irreplaceable.

3. My friends.
I always joke that I have a friend triangle/line segment/ray/one friend. I have a very small group of people that I feel I can really talk to..as we all do. And I’m very happy that we’re all friends. Even if there are months of inactivity amongst us a quick “waddup ngga” will solve that.

4. My job.

I’ve been extremely fortunate in my life and having/maintaining a job is definitely something I don’t take lightly. Times are tough out there and it’s been hard on many people but somehow I am in the position to actually be in a solid job in something that I like doing.

5. Ball

Ball is life.

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Something’s Missing

I want more than what I have right now.

It feels like everything is going right in my life right now, which is a miracle for anybody. But there are moments when I feel a little empty. And I think it’s time to fill that void, with what? I’m not sure yet.

After I got my Master’s degree life started to become hella chill. There were no more responsibilities, there was nothing else occupying my time. But why is that such a bad thing. I thought of this as a time for me to “relax”. But I think I relaxed a little too much and now it’s time to get it going. This should be when you start building a foundation for the future, your future. Time is precious and it’s hard to keep track of it as you’re progressing through life.

I’ve sort of buried myself in my work. I’ve definitely placed a heavier emphasis on it since I graduated and I think it has showed. I’m fortunate to have found something that I truly enjoy doing no matter how stressful it might be. But then there’s a part of me that always wants that change, as soon as things start becoming a routine I get ansty, what’s gonna happen next…oh the same thing that happened yesterday.

There’s also a pressure at home to be the best that I can be. Setting an example for my sister and others and at the same time catering to my parents needs. One thing I can say for sure is that I do not want to let my parents down. They have done so much for me and I never forget it. There was definitely a time where I was very unappreciative of their sacrifices but I think that happens to everybody at a certain age. Once you mature you see what your parents have done to make sure you have the best life possible. In order to honor that I try to do what they need/ask me to do. I’m still working on that part but I want to be as open/honest with them as possible.

Maybe I’m a bit too open and honest with them but that’s a blog for another time..

Anyways..I tend to go on these tangents every time I write.

One of the ways I want to occupy my time is to learn how to code/program. I think it’s an invaluable skill especially nowadays. I’m not sure if I want to make a career out of it but I feel like it’s good to have some kind of background in with this. I’ve procrastinated on actually getting this started and one of the ways I’m procrastinating is writing this blog..but I will get it done.

Hopefully that fills the void for now, but I don’t think it’s ever wrong to always want more than what you have.

Unintentional Hiatus

It’s been a minute since I’ve done anything on here. That is due to complete laziness. Many times I’ve had those “I should blog about this” moments”, but nothing came of them. I guess it’s a lack of inspiration. Maybe I’ve been too busy, work and school have consumed a lot of my life. Work especially. Warning: Long post.

1. I’ve been in this house too damn long, but it’s OK. The routine is getting to me, but I’ve added a few activities to remedy that. We need cameras here, there is so much hilarity that goes on. I have been told that I should vlog about it, but I/we ain’t ready for that lol

2. Plenty of things have been going on, but I’ve been hesitant to put them in words. Writing forces you to think about events in much more detail and you may realize things that you did not realize before. Back in the day my parents used to make me write about my day when I came home and I’d write about all this stuff I did during the day and I hated it because I knew what I did why did they need to know, so nosy. Foreshadowing.

3. I feel like I’m slowly starting to live my life now. Maybe it’s because I’m becoming older and priorities have shifted. I’m starting to place a heavier emphasis on certain aspects of life that I did not knew existed before.

4. I might be a workaholic. I say this because I have been putting in a lot of hours at work, but they never feel like a lot of hours because I enjoy what I do. I’m hesitant to say that I love my job because I don’t want to feel like I’ve..peaked too early? Aren’t people supposed to go through years of jobs they don’t like before they’re content? Work isn’t “work”, it’s just another part of my life, at least that’s how I feel right now. The only downside is having to wake up early as shii. I’m not a morning person, I never will be.

I am working to live, not living for work, which is what is what matters to me.

5. What I call “commitment” issues can 90% of the time be attributed to laziness. I told myself I was going how to code this year, through some free website. I barely made it a month before I gave up. Same thing with working out, some days the motivation is there, most days it isn’t. I have a problem applying myself…but that’s a work in progress.

6. I’ve come to value my family more than I used to. Staying at home for my whole life basically, has lead to me some interesting observations into my family dynamic. One thing that has especially changed is the level of openness with my parents. Before I always used to lie about where I was, who I was with, etc. This was mainly due to the fact my parents were very overprotective and always wanted to me focus on education. Slowly that started to change and I’m at a point where I can openly talk with them about most things.

7. There’s been a series of unfortunate events that have occurred this year. But at the same time there has been an equal amount of good fortune as well. That’s that karma, it’s always going to balance out. Speaking of karma…

8. Fate. I may have already talked about this topic, but it seems to always come up. I believe that no one is bound to their  destiny. You are not destined to do anything. You choose what you want to do and you have control over what you can do.

My view on fate is that you write your own destiny, yes things happen for a reason and there are many things that are out of your control but I believe that if you work hard enough and live your life to the fullest then you are capable of choosing your own path. There are many instances where I’ve heard something along the lines of “it was written..it was meant to happen..”.

…Or Nah

Who says that I was destined to have a certain type of future, certain type of relationship. If something happens, it happens. Shit happens, it’s how you deal with it that defines you as a person and sets the tone for your life. There doesn’t always have to be a “reason” for something to happen. Good or bad, it just happened. You can only control what you can control, you can’t worry about what is out of your control.

I’m not saying my philosophy is free of any flaws, but that’s just what I feel.

9. I need some more hobbies. (Which is partially why I’m trying to get back into blogging regularly.) Right now it is a very short list: ball, rare gaming, reading (?). That’s all I have time for these days. Or so I say, I’m hella unorganized. Sometimes I feel I live in a very chaotic state, but then I have no intention of attempting to correct this. I started to try today by cleaning my room. Baby steps.

10. Ball is life. Ball over everything.

J-Will aka White Chocolate.

 

Love and Marriage

Al Bundy was is the man.

This is one of my favorite shows of all time. I’m pretty sure it was not an age-appropriate show to watch at the time but I did and I’m glad I did. Kelly Bundy was THE first dimepiece for me (no the pink power ranger wasn’t that great, don’t sice it). But I digress, I only brought up this show because of the Frank Sinatra theme song.

You speak the truth bruh. There has been many talks about these ideals in my household and even amongst my friends and I wanted to expand on these thoughts.

Love is the 4 letter word that I use to describe my relationship with food, sports, and video games, but others use to describe their human relationships. I’m not there yet, but I’ll get there. Marriage..ah marriage. A lot of people I know are getting married around me, I pull up Facebook and there’s like 5 wedding albums every other week. Only reason I’d get married now is for the somewhat reduced taxes, taxes are REAL and they hurt my paycheck.

I’m not in that marriage mindset yet, I’m still tryna get my hustle right. It’s like building a tree house with no tree naimsayin?

Once I have established that part of my life I can entertain the thoughts of marriage. Now my parents have a different plan. I have met some requirements unbeknownst to me that qualifies me for marriage. Which brings me to the essence of this post..arranged marriage. why.

I thought it didn’t exist anymore, but it is definitely alive and well. My parents are very traditional in some senses, marriage being one of them. They joke with me and say “now we have to find you a nice girl from India”.

No.

My parents got an arranged marriage and they seem happy enough right now lol but I don’t think I could do it. You’re basically married to a stranger and then you have to…learn to love them? What if I can’t? What if she can’t? I see too many negative aspects to this whole idea. Their justification was that it’s better to find a girl that has a good family, good genes (!), all dat. They are concerned about the future (kids more specifically) and how things can turn out if it is just random. But I mean aren’t those the risks you take in life? Love is a risk, you don’t know how it’ll end up but that’s why pursue it. The whole idea of arranged marriage seems so formulaic and scientific to me. Now I don’t know the first steps of that whole process. But I remember the first time I saw any reference to it was in a Indian movie we were watching one day. So I’m going to sum it up with my ignorant eyes.

1. The males family had a scout. This scout looked like a family friend, who basically came back with an envelope of pictures of chicks (their faces, y’all dirty). Actually it’s like a Lil B girl time lol

2. He got these faces from families who felt they were ready to give their daughter away, I’m gonna assume they checked their background, horoscope, all that ish.

3. Male opened the envelope and just dumped on the table and began to search (the prettiest girl just happened to drop out at the very end..cue dance scene, because he saved her from some goons earlier so of course he loves her/wants to marry her now cuz that makes sense. gtfo)

4. Male picks that girl and the parents go to the girls parents to try and get a contract like Kobe’s. Jk. They basically ask for the girls hand in marriage and the girl comes out and serves everyone tea actin all giggly and ish.

5. Then a series of events challenge this marriage for about 2 hours before the bad guy dies and they finally get married.

BONUS Throwback: Simpson’s episode Apu gets the lotus flower during the peak of his bachelorhood indicating it’s time to marry some girl that his parents decided he would marry when they were infants.

Confused? Me too. According to all those prehistorical customs it sounds awful. I’m sure it’s changed now, like you probably meet the family, date the girl a lil bit and then decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with her. To me it doesn’t really matter how far that whole process has come I think I’m gonna need a little more than a few weeks to make that decision. And I don’t really understand the concept of arranged marriage, yeah you’re married but you don’t really love each other. Isn’t love supposed to come first?

End of rant.

 

Motivation

Where do I start. I’ve been feeling very uninspired these past few weeks. I’m just floating through life right now, following my routines. It’s hella boring. I know I haven’t reached my full potential yet but I’m at the point where I have to stay at a certain level for a while in order to move up. And of course I’m only talking professionally lol I love my job, I like what I’m currently doing but I am not content to stay at this level forever. My focus tends to be more on the professional side, school and work take up most of my time. Personally I be lackin, I know this.

No new friends nonewnewnewnew

Anyways it’s getting difficult to motivate myself to do anything these days. When it comes to school I always wait till the very last minute to do any assignment. I’m just better under pressure naimean? If I was a superhero I’d wait till the clock read 1:00 to diffuse the bomb. If I was skydiving I’d open the chute at the lowest possible altitude to avoid dying. If I was a football coach I’d call timeout as the kicker is running to kick the field  goal. I really need to start being more organized but sometimes I just don’t feel like doing things when I’m supposed to do them lol.

I do not know the cause of this lethargy, maybe I need a change of scenery. Being at home is not helping though, I think I feel too comfortable here. I don’t have to work for anything here, food, laundry, cleanliness, it’s all done for me. Of course I am very lucky to be living in such an environment and I do not take it for granted but I mean can I struggle just a lil bit? Is it wrong to want that? I don’t know what I want. I know I want GTA 5.

I know I’ll break out of this slump soon but it still bothers me. This lack of motivation is why I’m a fantastic procrastinator, we’ll see when I break out of that. The routine of life has gotten to me, is it too early for this to happen? I should be a young buck wylin out in the clubs or something. I’m just an old soul in most facets of my life. But old doesn’t have to mean boring.

Or I’m just exaggerating everything and it’s really summertime sadness SUMMER SUMMER TIME.